I shall once again reference Doug...

I'm outtaaa heeeeere!

Blogger, you have pissed me off too many times.

My blog can now be found at www.facedown.wordpress.com

Conversations with my bro, yo - part 12,546

Are all siblings as ridiculous when talking to each other as me and my brother are? I mean, what is it about talking to a sibling that makes it okay to be totally stupid?

I realize this is a lame conversation. But I think the end makes it worth it. OCCASIONALLY, my brother can be funny. Don't tell him I said that.

Is it weird that all of our conversations are via the internet?


Boy
Hello

JR
hi
I am sick.

Boy
Why are you sick?

JR
Because I don't eat right. Or some bullshit like that. I have a cold.
But I feel like I am dying.

Boy
You are not dying.

JR
I could be dying! You don't know me!

Boy
People don't die from colds. This is the future.

JR
Ah, but I have super duper cold derived from beer and watching One Dumb Horror Movie and One Good Horror Movie in the same week.

Boy
Ooooh... Those are rough. The only cure for that is Lord of the Rings. Or Eddie Izzard.

JR
Maybe some Eddie.

JR
DO NOT GO SEE PULSE.

Boy
Never heard of it.

JR
DO go see The Descent.

Boy
Never heard of that either. {he proceeded to check out the website}

JR
Really? It's a gore fest.

Boy
I think I would like it as a video game.
I don't like watching monsters that I can't kill.

JR
Oh. Well don't go see it then.
I mostly only like horror movies. And ghost movies, they don't make enough ghost movies.

Boy
You should play Doom 3. It has the same feel as that movie. Only you can shoot the monsters.

JR
I don't play video games though.

Boy
It makes you feel like a big man.

JR
Ah, penis games.
What kind of fast food is good if you are sick?

Boy
Taco Bell.
its the least poisonous.

JR
Did mom tell you about the Alton Brown thing in Hawthorne?

Boy
Yeah.
Remember my friend Ron who drove you to Disneyland?

JR
Hm. I never get taco bell anymore. Probably been years since I was there.
Yes.

Boy
He just got Jason Stratham to star in the movie he wrote.

JR
Who is that?

Boy
Jason Statham. The guy in Crank.

JR
Oh. The man's man.

Boy
Yeah.
He was also in the Transporter movies.
And other stuff with yelling and guns

JR
That's the movie where he's gonna die that day and he kills a bunch of people first and makes out with the girl from Felicity, right?

Boy
Yeah.

JR
the puppy is staring at me with sad eyes.
Sad pink eyes.

Boy
Pull the pink out of her eyes?
How come your dog is always sick?
And your cats are always fat?
And your fish are always dead?

JR
Because that is just how we roll.
MY FISH ARE NOT DEAD.
I have had the same fish for a long time now.

Boy
Dude. You've killed more fish than most hammerhead sharks.

JR
Not true.

Boy
Yes true. I have a shark right here and he thinks you're crazy.

JR
Whatever. Like having a shark there doesn't make you crazy.

Boy
Look, what I do with my bathtub in my spare time is none of your business. The point is, I make a lot of money and it keeps the whalers happy.

I text message A LOT

I just had this conversation with MoMo via the greatness of text messaging*:

Me - not. healthy. possibly dying. it was nice knowing you.

Momo - is your cold worse?

Me - yes. i see a tunnel with a bright light at the end... yeah right, like that's what i'll see when i die.

Momo - do you smell something burning?

Me - ah! that's not a bright beautiful light! it's a bonfire!

Momo - a nice warm fire to greet you. is it just the cold or worse?

This is when the conversation dissolved into me whining. You don't need to hear that.**

Point is, I am sick. How does one get a cold this bad in August? It's been over 100 degrees every G-D day for months!

I'm going to blow my brains out through my nose some more. Sorry about the lame post.




*I do not like talking on the phone. If you have something to tell me, please text it. I am much more likely to respond.

**I truely need to just shut the hell up. One of my friends has strep throat so bad she had to go to the hospital! I am such a whiner.

Giving herself a good beating

It's a shame this video doesn't have sound, because the "thwack" noises this makes when it hits her are really the best part. It's a toy that she loves - a long tennis ball type thing on a rope. She does this everyday, grabs the rope and throws the thing around her body. And my body. And any other bodies that happen to be near.

Keep your fingers crossed that she never hits the TV.

Please disregard the messy house.

And also, let's note that if someone would buy me a video camera I could do much more entertaining videos...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaG65FLHbY4

The Next Big Thing

I'm sure everyone has already done this with their friends. But the other night Jack & Amy were visiting, and there was a big group of us at a bar* thinking of all the different kinds of movies we could make that would be like Snakes On A Plane.

It started out just trying to match up animals with modes of transportation, but then turned into the Alliteration Olympics.

• Rats on a Train
• Lizards on a Raft
• Moths on a Vespa
• Bees in a Car (this one actually elicited gasps and grimaces - "Please, seriously, bees in your car are SCARY.")
• Alligators on Ice Skates (I'm not sure that fits the genre, but I like it.)
• Oysters in a Hot Air Balloon (Oh! Pearls in the Air!)
• Weasels on a Helicopter
• Spiders on a Ship
• Gorillas on a Gondola
• Zebras on a Zambonie OR Zebras in a Zeppelin
• Beetles on a Bungie Cord (Do you think we were drinking?)
• Cats in a Cab
• Ants on the Amtrak (Don't be scared, Clare!)
• Bullweivels on a Boat
• Termites in a Treehouse (Not a mode of transportation, but still scary.)
• Gerbils on a Dirigible

And of course, as previously mentioned in my comments, Rabbits on a Space Shuttle Manned By Cabbage Patch Kids.

Coleslaw, anyone?

*Duh.

A week of conversations with Fletcher*

F - "You know how our beef is all grass fed and locally grown?"

JR - "Yeah..."

F - "Well, I was reading a thing about Competitors Restaurant, and it said their beef is grass fed and from Uruguay!"

JR - "Why would you get beef shipped from there when we have the same thing here?"

F - "Who knows."

JR - "Besides, how can you trust it? If you can't go check the farm, they could be feeding those cows ANYTHING, and just telling you it's grass fed!"

F - "That is so true. You totally can't trust Uruguay. Those people will lie about anything."

JR - "Nothing good can come from Uruguay, mark my words."

F - "Now Paraguay, there's a trustworthy country."

JR - "Definitely. I would totally trust Paraguay with my meat."

------------------------------------------------------------

New Girl - "Is our fish boneless?"

JR & Fletcher - "Yes."

NG - "Um, ok, I'll go tell my table."

JR - "Wait, New Girl! We mean that they remove the bones after they catch it, not that it's an actual boneless fish."

NG - "OH! I get it. Okay, thanks."

F - "I am so glad you clarified that for her."

JR - "Amen, sister."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

{Sheila bends down to get something out of the fridge behind Fletcher}

F - "Sheila! What did you just do?!?!?"

S - "I just got the cream out."

F {to me} - "I swear, Sheila just licked my butt."

JR - "Well, you know, it's the end of the night..."

F - "I know! My butt's all sweaty!"

JR - "She loves her some sweaty butt. Sheila always gets all lickeybutt at the end of the night." {It should be noted that I shook my head quickly back and forth when I said lickeybutt.**}

F - "Lickeybutt... You're right. Sheila is very lickeybutt."



*Fletcher is the friend I mention in my sidebar that I went to NYC with last year. Best. Time. Ever.

**It is very hard for me to get across to you how funny the lickeybutt conversation was. I really think maybe you had to be there. Or maybe you just have to know Sheila.

Mark just has the music in him

"My pink eyed girl... You my pink eyed girl... Do you remember when we used to sing, Woofwoofwoofwoofwoof woofwoofwoofwoofwoofwoofweewoof...Just like that..."

BTW, Sammie has pink eye.

Of course.

I Heart Broccoli

Last night we were all sitting around at work waiting for our tips, looking through the paper and chatting. We're doing this big fundraiser thing all week and we're a million times more busy than we normally are in August, so we're all tip pooling the whole week. Which means everybody waits for everyone else to be done before we get paid.

We were bored, some of us may or may not have been grumpy, and we were all delirious from exhaustion. This week has already beat us down and it's not even half over.

There were 6 people involved in this conversation, so I think listing who said what would just make things more confusing.

"Why is it taking so long for him to get our money?"

"He's probably in the bathroom again."

"Oh my god, he's in there so much! It takes him five hours everytime and he goes four times a day!"

"That can't be normal. There's gotta be something wrong in his colon."

"Ew!"

"Maybe it's normal for guys. Let's ask Patrick."

{Patrick looks up from the paper} "Huh? What?"

"DO NOT ask Patrick! How embarrassing! Plus, that's like, sexual harassment."

"It's not sexual, it's like... poop harassment."

"What?"

"Nevermind, Patrick."

"You guys want to know what the seniors are eating this week?"*

"What do you mean?"

"Meals on Wheels. They publish their weekly menu here in the food section. Let's see... Oh, Thursday looks like crap."

"What they got?"

"Turkey ham... whatever that means. Salad, seasoned cauliflower, and for dessert, orange slices."

"That's disgusting."

"I wonder what it's seasoned with?"

"Oh, Tuesday looks good. Salisbury steak, salad, broccoli, and a choice of a chocolate chip cookie OR graham crackers!"

"Man, that's crap. They should give them a cookie one day and graham crackers the other day instead of stupid orange slices."

"For real."

"Dude, they get broccoli or cauliflower EVERY DAY."

"It's good for you. Cleanses your colon."

"SHEILA!!!! CAN WE PLEASE HAVE ONE CONVERSATION THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE THE WORD COLON?!?!?!?!"



*That was me bringing up the Senior Menu. You can imagine how fascinating it must be to be my friend. I bring such riveting conversation to the table.

I am learning to use YouTube

Here is an incredibly boring video of Sammie. I threw her Hurl A Heifer, she got and then washed it. It's a new hobby of hers, washing her toys. And yes, that is a lawn full of dead grass, because I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste water and money trying to keep it alive when it's 104 degrees outside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYAulnp5jIE

The Dog Ate My Computer

Sammie has taken to chewing through electrical cords. I think she likes the shock it gives her. She's an electricity junkie. As I mentioned before, she chewed through the cord for the window AC unit in our bedroom, then she chewed through a cord for one of our lamps, and then two days ago she chewed through the cord for my laptop.

So I have all this stuff to post about, but not much time before my battery dies. I can still use the cord to recharge Ella*, but it sparks a little bit so I can only do it if I am watching.

So I'll tell you one quick story then I'm out of here.

The other day I was looking at baby names on the internet (NOT PREGNANT JUST LOOKING AT NAMES). I really like old names, especially for girls.

I was also making poor Mark talk about names with me.

"What do you think of the name Georgianna?"

"For a dog or a cat?"

"For a human person!"

"Um, I don't think so."

"Why not? I like it. I had a Cabbage Patch doll named Georgianna. She was so cute, her tongue stuck out the side of her mouth like this AHHHHH."

"Was she retarded? 'Cause that looks retarded."

"No, she was an ASTRONAUT, thankyouverymuch. She had a helmet and everything."

"A helmet?"

"Yes."

"Hm.... Are you sure she didn't have the helmet on for her own safety and her parents just told her she was an Astronaut?"

"MY CABBAGE PATCH DOLL WAS NOT RETARDED! She was an Astronaut! ASTRONAUT!!!"




*My laptop.